Masks
by slythatheart
Summary: Written as a submission for Smythofsky Week: Day 8 Free Day. Dave is the only person who sees right through Sebastian.


**This was written as a submission for Smythofsky Week (Day #8 Theme – Free Day) on tumblr. I don't even know why I wanted to write this. Ironically I couldn't think of something to write for the "free" day, and this is the result.  
**

**Ermitage is a real school in France (or so google says) and it caters to American students studying overseas. That's all I know about it…**

**Warnings: Enough cotton candy fluff towards the end to make me queasy. It might come across as OOC, but we don't know much about Sebastian really, so who can judge? ;)**

* * *

**Masks**

I used to spend a lot of time pretending. About lots of different things; like it didn't bother me when my grades weren't so good, or when my parents fought. I tried to be the toughest guy around, like nothing could hurt me.

But there was a really big thing, too – I pretended that I was straight.

I got away with it for a long time. No one suspected anything but then I took it too far; to be honest I was so scared of myself and my feelings that I lashed out pretty badly. Kurt didn't deserve the way I treated him. It was wrong, and I wish I'd acted differently. But I didn't, and maybe the way I got shoved out of the closet was karma.

Kurt would say differently, but there's a part of me that thinks maybe I deserved it.

Don't get me wrong, the people at my school were completely unfair in how they treated me, I know that. It felt like hell, and they were really hateful, but I have to admit that it was a lot like what I'd done to Kurt. Except it wasn't just one person doing it.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is that I know what it's like to pretend. And after the amount of therapy I've had since my "incident" (that's the only thing my dad can handle me calling it), I get it and I even get why. I think I understand more about building walls and masks than almost anyone I know.

Not only have I done it myself, but my therapist and I have spent a lot of time talking about it. I think that's why I am the only one who sees right through Sebastian Smythe.

It sounds so stupid (I know, trust me), but I can see myself in him. The way he gets kind of mean and bullies people…I guess we have different tactics but it's the same thing when you get right down to it.

He's not trying to hide his sexuality, obviously. He's totally happy to shout his interest in guys at the top of his lungs.

But what he's hiding is so much more common than being gay. It's such a normal thing that I just can't figure out _why_ he's hiding it so seriously. He's good at it, too. His mask is rock solid. I probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been looking.

And yeah, I've been looking.

There's just something about Sebastian. I used to think he was nothing but an arrogant jerk, and maybe he still is, but there's more to him than that. The way he tried to help me after what happened showed a lot about him – stuff that he'd probably try to keep hidden normally. He's good at acting like he doesn't care about anyone but himself, but now that I know him better I can tell that's not true.

Once I started going to Scandals again, about three months after my "incident", I started to watch him. He's gorgeous, anyone with eyes can see that, but he's so much more. He's a great dancer, he's funny (even if most of his jokes are usually a bit unkind) and he's surprisingly good to talk to, as long as he likes you enough to listen. I never used to be someone he listened to, but I am now. We're friends.

Even with all of my watching it took a long time to figure him out. I saw what everyone else sees; what he wants everyone to see. I saw a flirty guy with a sexy smirk who liked anything that was fun and casual, as long as there were no strings. It wasn't until a few weeks ago I began to think differently.

He didn't mess up…it's not like he forgot his mask one day, or like he couldn't pull off the act so everyone could tell. It was because I could understand more. That afternoon I'd had a pretty busy therapy session. Dr. Connor and I were focusing a lot on why I'd bullied Kurt and why I'd gone so far against my sexuality that I'd acted like I was super homophobic. We talked a lot about people's fears and secrets and how they sometimes deal with them, and about overcompensating for the things we don't have or that we think are wrong with us.

I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. Even hours after I'd left her office and had gone home it was on the edge of my mind. It felt a bit like I could see the world clearer…I guess I was never a very observant person before but I think I changed a little after that session.

When I got to Scandals, the things Dr. Connor and I had talked about were still floating around in my head. I was looking around at the other regulars and Sebastian was there. He was dancing with someone I didn't recognize (no surprise there) and I started to see him. Really see him, I mean.

The way he acted when he danced and talked with random men started to make me wonder…I wanted to know why he was so over the top about it. Over the next couple of weeks I kept an eye on him every chance I got and his mask started getting easier and easier for me to see through.

Then last week, he made one of his usual offhand sexual comments, and it clicked into place for me.

I don't know everything of course. I don't know for a fact the extent of what he is hiding (though I'm pretty sure), and I don't know _why_, but I want to find out. I want to help.

Call me crazy (Kurt would!), but I really do care about Sebastian.

That's why I'm sitting here now while Sebastian is opposite me in my parent's living room. He's in an armchair, nursing a coffee and looking at me like I'm going to pull an intervention on him. I guess I am, sort of.

"So, Bear Cub, are you going to tell me why I'm here?"

"Because we're friends."

"Well, yeah. But you don't normally sit me down, hand me a coffee, and tell me we need to talk. I feel like you're about to break up with me, except we aren't dating." He's joking. He's almost always joking so that doesn't really surprise me.

"Because we're friends, and I wanted to talk to you about something. About sex."

His face lights up, but his eyes don't. He's unsure. A month ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell.

"What about it? Have you finally decided to loosen up and have a little fun?" He's smirking, but I can see past it.

"Actually, I just want to know why you are so hell bent on pretending you aren't a virgin."

* * *

If it had been anyone else who asked me that question, I probably could have put on a convincing show and made them feel like an idiot.

But it was Dave, and Dave was different.

I really wasn't prepared for him to ask me something like that. No one has ever been able to see past my actions before, but I think even if they had, I'd be able to talk my way out of it and make them think they were wrong. Not Dave, though.

I think it's his eyes. They are always just so…earnest. Honest. And they make me want to be honest too. With him, anyway – fuck everyone else.

I tried to cover up my reaction when he asked. I scoffed at him, I rolled my eyes, I made a sarcastic-sounding comment about being pure as the driven snow – all of the kinds of things that would normally leave someone doubting themselves rather than me. It didn't work. I don't know if that's because he has me too well figured out, or because my heart wasn't really in it.

He didn't even bother saying anything. He just stared at me as I tried over and over again to laugh off what he'd said until eventually I just gave up. We must have sat there in silence for at least half an hour before he patted the couch beside him and I ended up moving to sit beside him. I suppose he could tell that I was bothered by the fact someone knew, because he put his arm around my shoulders and drew me into a hug.

I couldn't help it, everything came tumbling out.

I told him about the way the other older students at Ermitage bullied each other over how sexually experienced they were; if you were a virgin you were a pariah.

I told him about how my cousins all judge each other based on how often they get laid.

I told him about how my mother flirts and uses her looks to get everything she wants, from my father and from anyone else she comes into contact with.

I even told him about how my father only started to make real time for me once he'd thought I lost my virginity – before that I'd just been a kid, not a "man he could bond with".

It was a stupid thing to lie about, I admitted, but it wasn't like 75% of high school guys who claimed to be sexually active weren't lying about the exact same thing. Apparently that's not what bothered Dave…it was the way I acted to keep my secret.

If there's one thing I admire about Dave above everything else, it's how comfortable he is in his level of sexual experience (or lack thereof). True, he still needs some help when it comes to the term "out and proud", more specifically the "proud" part, but he's not embarrassed by his virginity.

So when he asked me why I didn't just go out and have sex if I was so ashamed of being a virgin, I told him the truth. There wasn't much point in lying about it since he already knew everything else, and besides, if I can trust anyone it's Dave.

I opened up to him about how, despite what my family members (not to mention my old friends) think, I would rather be with someone who means something to me. I've seen how people can use each other when sex is involved and I don't want that for myself. And yeah, I've made out with guys at Scandals – I've even let a few grind themselves off on me, but I don't want to look back when I'm older and realize that sex has become a meaningless tool in my life.

The way he looked at me made all of my embarrassment worth it, I think. Pride is a really wonderful expression on Dave.

Maybe it was that look, or maybe it was the way he still had his arm curled around me, but something suddenly made sense to me about our friendship. For months I'd wanted more with him, but I always figured that the act I put on had already scared him away. It hurt, of course, but I knew what could happen the moment I decided to adapt the "free and easy" persona, and that was the choice I had made. Of course then I didn't know Dave.

Anyway, that epiphany I had about our friendship? It was that it was _already_ more. There was a deeper connection there, and it wasn't just one sided. The reason he could see me, the real me, was because he cared enough to properly look.

That is why now, with our conversation still fresh in our minds, feels like the right time to finally do something about my feelings. My head is resting against his chest and his cheek is pressed to my hair. I don't want to move, but I do want us to figure this out.

I should probably be nervous; I've never done this before. But it's Dave, and he knows my secrets but he's still here. Somehow I'm not nervous at all.

"Dave…?"

"Yes."

I'm about to ask him, when it occurs to me that that was a statement, not a question. I look up at him and he's smiling.

"I'm sorry," he grins, "was I supposed to wait for you to finish asking me if I have feelings for you?"

"You do?" I know I look like an idiot – there's a reason why I never smile this widely – but he's smiling back so I couldn't care less. "I…do you think that—"

"Yes."

His eyes are bright and I just know he's laughing inside. "Stop _doing_ that! Anyway, how do you know I wasn't asking you if you would dress in drag and sing 'Man I Feel Like A Woman'?"

He's laughing out loud now, and I can't help myself, I'm laughing too. "If that's what it takes," he jokes, "to be able to date you, I'll do it. But not publicly. The drag karaoke, I mean. The dating can be as public as you want."

My breath catches. He knows what I want, though I still feel compelled to ask. "Be mine?"

He waits, just long enough for the nerves that were missing earlier to creep up on me.

"I just wanted to make sure I wasn't interrupting you this time," he teases me. "Yes."

I want to put him in his place for giving me a hard time, but his mouth is on mine, and I can't convince myself to pull away. I never thought I'd be happy for someone to see through my mask, but I am.


End file.
